In the good old days, when the Net was still non-existent, most junk mail use to come the old-fashioned way. The postman was the guy who would drop off those ads for West Indian psychics, bacne cures, and shady realtors, who promised to sell your house for a good price. Okay, sometimes, when you were out of town. And without your permission.

Well, if anything, this shady mail situation has gotten much, much worse. Because these strange offers come day and night into your inbox, I, myself, am now getting scores of bizarre, upsetting, and just plain insulting emails constantly. And only some of them are from ex-girlfriends. 

Here are some of my recent favorites.

From what I can tell, the majority of these electronic missives are aimed at my romantic life. And they are all pretty offbeat. In the last few days I have been told that "Asian Amour Awaits," that I should prepare myself to say "Hola!" to my new Latin girlfriend, and, that I should get ready for a wild ride on the "African Love Express"—which I think was an old Parliament-Funkadelic song, right?

I was pretty excited about all of these wild, multicultural possibilities, until I discovered they had nothing to do with romance. These offers actually came from an employment agency. Saying I'd acquire all this stuff by being a janitor at the United Nations.

Now, perhaps like you, I've also been getting lots of emails lately from the University of Phoenix, some of which are awfully tempting. Not many schools offer you a major in Philosophy, with a minor in Heating and Refrigeration Repair.

One of the more telling junk mails I've also gotten is the list of local home foreclosures. Of course, I think the company that's sending these out is essentially a conservative Republican one. It's one thing to say "Not since the Great Depression have so many people been forced to abandon their houses." But I don't think they should be following this statement up by adding, "Woo Hoo!"

Of course, I might be particularly bitter about this because my own house is on the list. Yes, I know it's in pretty bad shape. But I can't believe this company says they'll be willing to trade it for a picture of Megan Fox. The most insulting thing? It doesn't even have to be autographed!

I've also been getting barraged by queries from 1-800-Dentist. A female friend warned me off of them, however, claiming that, when she called, the second question the operator asked her was "What are you wearing?" Meaning, I decided not to ask her the first question. When my friend finally got a referral and had to tell the dentist that the molar was that "big tooth way in the back" she knew she was in trouble.

Admittedly, some of these come-ons are tempting. Like the email from a place called "Screenwriting U" which guarantees that, in six online classes, I'll learn to write a really funny comedy script. Or, barring that, something perfect for Adam Sandler. 'S.U.' also claims that "90" producers will read the finished screenplay I ultimately hand in. In other words, 90 more producers than read "New Year's Eve" before it got the go-ahead.

And yes, it's making the University of Phoenix's Degree in Screenwriting look more and more appealing. And even if your script doesn't come out too well? Phoenix promises that when the semester's done, you'll also know how to completely take apart and overhaul your carburator.

Finally, there's a Buddhist Meditation Center that keeps asking me to come in and join them. I probably will have to one of these days since I'm running out of excuses. The last time I told them I couldn't come because I'm an Agrarian Socialist. That didn't even make sense to me.

So, yes, I think I may finally take one of these places up on their offers. If I'm going to deal with this surfeit of junk e-mails and the tension it causes? I think that Eastern Philosophy, and its calming effects, may just be my last hope. Provided, after I attend, they don't then send me an email thanking me for coming. That would just totally defeat the purpose. You know?