The winner from last column’s married love lyrics contest is former “Project Runway” contestant designer Pamela Ptak. Her entry, below, beautifully describes the maturation of love—the transformation and transmutation of the journey, the reasons why it becomes possible to make it through the tough times. "Modern Love in Classic Voice" When, love, we pitched our woo & made our vows, we knew not then the trouble life endows our choices with. Yet had we been required to guarantee sweet bliss and life un-mired our trepidation of the fateful day could have been witnessed from great miles away. But…

When you were 13 years old, did Casey Kasem define your world? Did you memorize lyrics to all the best love songs? If so, those lyrics taught you that love was the secret to happiness, that another human being would complete you and would take away your angst. They confirmed that sexual attraction and its fulfillment are potent vehicles for your teen-aged self and that true love requires you to throw caution to the wind. It shouldn’t matter what your family thinks. If it’s right, it’s worth it, no matter the risk. A love affair should come with a psychic cost. The greater, the more profound …

You know the couple? We’ll call them Jim and Emily Quinn. The Quinns have been married almost as long as you have. Even in the dead of winter, they sport perpetual glows and well moistened skin. At a cocktail party, in the first five minutes of your conversation with the Quinns, Jim will compliment Emily’s dress, her intelligence, her cooking, how she juggles her job, her house, and their over-achieving children. Just when you’re approaching nausea, Emily will blush appropriately, tossing off a self-deprecating remark to let you know she doesn’t take herself too seriously.  Then, there are …

We Montclair residents are enlightened citizens. We’re well informed, well read, and well intentioned. Our public lives are dedicated to matters of great social worth. Therefore, it is surprising that our personal lives can be mired in a lot of the same challenges as residents of lesser Kingdoms, for a lot of the same reasons. Take the mid-life crisis, for example. A mid-life crisis can happen no matter how progressive you are, no matter how broad minded, no matter how many books you’ve read (or written) and discussed with your brilliant friends, no matter how equitably you share the domestic…

After discovering infidelity, should you stay or should you go? Depends. Last week, there was a hue and cry about a wife who might choose reconciliation over divorcing her unfaithful husband. Does that make her a patsy? What about cutting her losses and moving on?  Regardless of what you think, the unfortunate news is that she is not alone. Due to the secrecy of the data, statistics on infidelity are difficult to substantiate, but conservatively, in the United States, 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men are physically unfaithful to their partners at some point in their marriage. Behind the …

This week, a woman who is tired of broken promises is trying to decide whether to take back her cheating husband if he vows to have nothing more to do with his mistress. Hi Pamela, I'm in the process of divorcing my husband. I wish we could work it out but he has promised me many times in the past he wanted his family but does nothing  to prove it. We told each other what was needed to make it work and I did everything and he did nothing. He continued to cheat, etc. Finally I decided enough was enough. Now, I want him to show me rather than talk. I don't want to hear any more promises. The …

Your spouse has moved out. The two of you are thrashing around trying to decide whether to call it quits or to give your marriage another go. Your spouse calls, sounding (and probably feeling) like a child who has run away from home. “Can I come back?” he asks; “I’ve changed my mind.  I want to be with my family.”*  You’ve got a lot of power here, but how should you exercise that power? This person has emotionally hurt you in the past—perhaps even been unfaithful. Do you risk being hurt again? Do you risk trying one more time even though the two of you haven’t been able to work through the …

You're considering a divorce. After toughing it out through the holidays and into the new year, you're ready to put the plan in motion. You've been miserable and unfulfilled for a while and don't see a chance of anything changing. You love your children, but you're not sure if you have the emotional muscle to stay in your marriage or domestic partnership solely for their sakes.  A divorce might be exactly the right decision. In fact, in some cases a divorce is the best move for all concerned. But, before you make that very permanent move with its long-ranging effects for you, your spouse or …