Parenting a Child of Another Color: Dealing with Strangers' Questions

Is he really yours?  Where did you get her from?  What is it like doing that hair? Has a stranger ever asked you a question like that about your kid?  Read on:

Kimberly is out shopping at the mall with her mother for a Bat Mitzvah dress and it isn’t going well.  What Mom likes isn’t edgy enough for Kimberly’s tastes; what Kimberly likes won’t fly with grandma or her conservative friends.  Finally Mom suggests that Kimberly look for something appropriate on her own.  Mom stands by, looking at dresses herself, but makes no more suggestions. 

A sales girl approaches Kimberly, looking at her quizzically.  When Kimberly gives her a quick smile, the sales girl says, loudly and slowly: “Can I help you?”

Kimberly looks at the girl suspiciously.  Now the sales girl says, even more loudly and slowly:

“Where is your mother?  Do you speak English?”

“Um—yeah,” says Kimberly.  “I do, actually—and that’s my mother right there.”

Mom gives a little wave.  And sighs.  It’s been a long time since this kind of thing has happened.   In Montclair, where Kimberly lives, multiracial families are so common, both Mom, who is white, and Kimberly, who was adopted from China, sometimes forget that outsiders don’t recognize them as a family.  When they aren’t holding hands, or alternately yelling at each other about hem length, sales people think Kimberly is all by herself. 

Toni is a full time mom, whose three year old daughter, Emma, is a bundle of energy.  They are always outside in the park together.  Toni has fun watching her daughter climb, chasing her around in a game of tag, enjoying a snack with her on a blanket in the grass.  She enjoys meeting other young mothers too, socializing and talking about what their kids are doing. 

One day, Emma climbs just a little too high on the monkey bars, slips and falls before Toni can catch her.  Emma suffers nothing more than a scraped elbow, but she is frightened and rattled enough to howl for a good long time.  A mother Toni has never seen before approaches and offers a band-aid.  Before Toni can thank her, the woman gives her a chastising look.

“You should have been watching her more carefully.  I can only imagine what her mother would think.”

Toni is confused but then realizes that the woman thinks she is Emma’s babysitter.  Toni is black; Emma is her biological daughter, but biracial, fair-skinned with blond hair like her father.

If your child is or appears to be a different race from you, one of these scenarios is probably familiar.  Even if you are fortunate enough to live in a welcoming community full of multiracial families, you still run into situations that leave you unexpectedly fuming and sometimes tongue-tied.

As a family therapist and former adoption case worker, I have heard many stories like these from parents whose children appear different from them.   As the biracial daughter of a white mother, and as the mother of two children, one of whom appears to be a different race from me, I have lived these stories myself. 

In this day and age, multiracial families are more mainstream than ever.  But that doesn’t mean these encounters don’t hurt.  No matter how you feel about the stares or inappropriate questions, you worry about how your child experiences being seen as unlike you.   

The most important thing to remember, no matter how hurt or humiliated these interactions make you feel, is that each one is an opportunity to talk with your child about difference and assumptions, a chance to reinforce their grounding in the world.  For example:

Model confidence without being confrontational.  Give the questioning party a direct, simple answer such as “Yes, she’s mine.”  You don’t owe an explanation and neither does your child.

Make sure to hear all your child has to say about this kind of incident. Answer your child’s questions.  Don’t brush the incident aside; don’t force her to look on the bright side if he or she doesn’t want to.  Don’t say: "They were staring because you are beautiful."  Your child is beautiful, but that’s not the point.  If you try to gloss over the incident, he or she will see right through it.  But ...

Don’t force him to talk about it.  He may not want to yet.   But let him know that you are open to talking about what happened.  You might say: “It annoyed me when the woman wouldn’t believe you were with me.  I wonder if you felt annoyed too?” And lastly:

Don’t be afraid to let your child know that you have feelings about these experiences too!  There is a good chance that the next time it happens, you and your child will share a knowing look.  And feel just a little closer.